the secret to a successful relationship!!

who knows what truly is the secret to a healthy relationship?? are there some rules? some comman principles? some law that states how things will work out? are they applicable to all??
maybe not!!!!!!!!!!!
having so many questions in my mind.. i sat back and started thinking about my relationship... and honestly.. i had some wonderful insights.. and they simply had to be wriiten down!!

i guess for every couple its different, every couple have their ' own rules , and formulas'.. each man to himself!
the major success factor here is to find out.. which one is the actual formula for you??
some may have troubles in communicating , some may lack physical intimacy, some may have problems in understanding ecah other at times, difficulty in hearing out each other. some may face boredom and monotony! there are like so many different issues!
we all feel that the other couple is always more happy than us... they are better... more mature... etc.. no ways!!!!!!! each couple at their own levels are faced with thier own set of problems! even people who have been married for 30 years to have arguements.. does that mean they are immamture? or not in love? no they are in love.. its just that maybe they havent been able to identify what the problem area is in their case...

all of us as couples have 1 major area that we need to work on together as a couple! remember the most important thing being is doing it together!
and step 1 - is to identify the problem area.... and accepting that your problem is your own.. and not like anyone elses!
no matter who the people are, how long they have been together.. how deeply in love they are... there are no couples that have had it the easy way!!
some have had to fight and disagree more than others maybe... but i feel that these couples always emerge out as the winners and stronger.. a longer and lasting bond develops between the which binds them forever!

there are no set rules that can be applied to the problems which give us the solution! it is not like mathematics.. where you can aaply formulas and rules... and solve the problem in some particular manner! no it is definatelynot like that!!!! it is more like literature and poetry.. everytime you read it.. you gain a new meaning, everytime anyone reads.. you find a different logic to it. every person has a different perspective and a different approach towards it!
now comes step 2- that is communicating it your better half!
in most cases it can happen.. that both the partners realsie the problem area.. however it can also be possible that only 1 realises it... and hebce it is necessary that we communicate it to our partner.. so that we can work on it as a team! however... many a times it does happen.. that although your partner does see the probelm area.. they may not feel that it is that big an issue that you feel it is! they might feel it is something smaller... does this mean that your thinking doesnot match? does it mean the partner is immature??? no!
a big no! it simply means that the partner understands the issue.. but feels that it doenst need anyheavy work on it! but you feel it! isnt that imp? isnt it imp what you feel? doesnt it matter to them????? oh yes it does matter to them! but it needs to be handled in a more tactful and non- chaotic way!
thats the step 3- how to actaully get down to business!
you know that your partber is aware of the problem but isnt too concerned about it.. because they feel that it might not ne that big an issue! 2 ways in which it can be workrd upon ( again as i said earlier.. its entirely your choice how you decide your solutions!)
1. try communicating to your partber what you feel.. without getting irritated or worried or hyper about it... try and explain the area you would like to work upon!
2. or you can simply do it yourself.. afetr communictaing it to your partner! although it is needed that both of you have to work on it.. it maybe possible that the probelm maybe bigger from your side! ( this maybe unknowingly also.. no person would purposely create a probelm in their relationship)
once you work on this issue.. it maybe possible that once the problem is slightly smaller in size.. it will be easier to make it vanish!

the important lesson is to be able to identify without being nagging.. and cranky about it.... identify it... communicate it.. solve it as much as you can and move on!!!!!!!!
try and not to focus too much on the negative part! the moe you focus on that.. the more it gets recreated.. look at the brighter aspects! feel the love.... remember the laughter, the good times... and above everything be ready to forgive! bot only your partner... but mst importantly yourself!!
if you cannot forgive yourself.. nothing can go right... forgiving yourself... helps to smoothen out the road automatically..
someone has rightly said ," love means never having to say sorry to each other." and even if you do.. forgive!!!
this is what i feel is the success to a realtionship... to all the readers.. i am sure you have your own!!!! i am sure we all are smart enough to figure it out ourselves.... and most importantly... shower your love on your better half!!!!!!!!! that is definately the strongest key to success~!!!!!!!

the inevitable change!

we all know.. that there is just one thing that is permanent in our life and that is CHANGE!

one thing we can be assured of is.. that time and again.. one thing that will keep coming over and over again in our live is change! we can do nothing to avoid it. we have to learn to accept the change each and every single time.. no exception.

time and again... most of the times.. people have always told me... that i am too sweet.. i easily believe anyone, i trust anyone... i cannot get angry at anyone...i am too emotional.. and think too much.. each of the above statement is true! i agree to it. that is the kind of person i am.

i hate fighting with people i care about.. i hate yelling,.. getting angry. even if i do..i feel more sad and upset about it myself than that person.

well hearing this a lot often now.. i began to wonder and i asked myself, ' does this mean.. that i am wrong? or weak? or is it.. that i am a loser?' the answer i get from my heart is a big and a loud NO! i am not weak.. not wrong and definitely not a loser!

i just care about the people around me a lot... i think about them...

just like some people cannot think about others or any kind of emotional stuff.. the same way. i value people.. more than the amount they value me.. and i never expect them to do anything in return for me!

i am not trying to portray or say how great i am.. or that i have saint like qualities.. no i have no saintlike qualities..and i am not great either.. its just that.. i follow a simple rule in life..

' LOVE ALL'

there are very few people.. whom i truly trust.. and deeply care about... and i cannot see them in any kind of problems or worries.. but this concern of mine is misunderstood by most of the people! it looks like.. i am after them..irritating them.. constantly nagging them! but it is so not that!!

i wish someone could understand what i am trying to say.. what i am feeling.. as all that happens in this process is... people get angry with me.. get irritated,.. and stop talking to me and the relation ends up being non existent... and i end up being hurt and alone!

to stop such things from happening..i tried... to think less for people..be more quite.. talk only when required... and i am currently still doing that..

but all that happened was.. i have ended up pushing those people far away from me.. who were actually close to me.. and now i am all the time irritated.. and irritable.. i haven't spoken or shared my mind with anyone for the past so many days..i am just quite..

outside by the looks of it.. i am all happy and smiling.. dancing.. enjoying life.. motivating people to think positively.. but inside.. i am crushed to bits.. as i cannot understand. what to do and what not to do.. i am not cribbing and saying that my life is miserable... etc.. not at all.. i have a fantastic life..

good college, great family.. a job that i love.. wonderful friends.. everything.. but the feeling of abundance is missing..

and it is because of this feeling where i am right now... a state of confusion!

there was a time.. when my friends used to find me and certain traits off mine sweet... and they used to love spending time with me.. phone calls and messages.. were made because we felt like speaking... being in touch.. somehow now sometimes it feels vacuum! empty and hollow!

i dont knw if i have pushed people or if people have pushed me.. but there is a certain amount of distance that has surely developed.. and its this empty place that i cannot understand.. but i want it to go~! i am not of the opinion that people should just sit and talk to me the whole time.. leave all their lives to be with me,,.. no its not that,,, all i want is a little support.. where even though no word is said,, i know they are with me! all of a sudden..i have realised the support system is fading.. slowly.. and this hurts..

i am not dependent on anyone... and i dont want to be a burden either.

there are certain aspects that i have changed in me which were needed.. i just hope these changes dont bring about anymore unwanted changes in the other relations.. maybe the feeling of suffocation has arised because i am keeping quite and not speaking to people.. who usually complain of my talkativeness..
but i know for sure... that even though today many people around me.. aren't saying that they are there for me..i know they are! i know for a fact... that i am loved by all. maybe today no one is saying it i know... but they will all miss me when i am gone!

the perfect partner

at some point or the other, all of us in our lives think about this... how should our life partner be? many of us.. just keep wondering.. on how exactly ones partner must be? we always have a picture in our mind... we have loads and loads of qualities, expectations, demands etc.. they can be endless.. but the question is.,, do we all actually get ' the perfect partner'?
for starters.. lets define the concept( good lord.. its happening alreday isnt it.. the MBA effect!!!!)
hard to understand.. or express... i mean... can there actually be a perfect partner for each of us?
if there is then y are there so many heartbreaks and troubles? any answers?
i guess there is no general definition....
we each have our own definition..
like when i was small... i always imagined my life partner to be just like srk!( i still deep down wish tht my life partner is like him) i always imagined that.. i would find a guy... meet him.. he would fall head over heels in love with me, sing romantic songs.... be totally in me.. and then one fine day we would get married!!! reality check... this doesnt happen.... time made me change my thoughts
there are no such guys in existenance!.. i mean.. are there really guys who are one woman men?
( ps note that this is not a matrimonial ad.. im writing this becoz a friend of mine asked me a question that triggered these thoughts.. hence the blog)
back to the topic.... i really want to be with someone who loves me for the person i am.... the way i am... more so.. i just wish the guy can be totally honest with me... trust worthy... smart.. sensible , sensitive, practical...rooted.. he should believe in himself... have dreams and goals which he wants to accomplish.. i want him to be a dreamer... not someone who is running after work all the time... someone.. who feels family is equally imp.... and so much more!!!! it can be a long endless list... but it makes me wonder at times.... is it right to have so many expectations?
and will they get fulfilled?

i just dont knw if there is such a guy.... i mean. sometimes i feel.. this isnt the time to think about all this.. i mean i have to study.. work.. earn good money.. be more independent in life... thts wht i want to do.... but somewhere i feel that some day i will have to think about the kind of guy i wana be with.... and.. i guess there is no harm in thinkn about it at times..
i am not those 'guy crazy boyfriend obessed girl'.... i dnt think relationships are of utmost importance.. they are.. but.. even career and ambitions and family are equally imp..
its nice to knw that someone loves you.. you have a special someone in your life.. but everything must be kept and done in priority wise!
just knowing someone.. understanding someone isnt enough.. you must be able to feel that extra element.. a sensation that makes you happy.. even by saying tht persons name.. that is what love is to me... someone,.. who u can be happy with,... in happiness.. in pain... in tough times.. in festivals...in everything.. but then again.. i feel this is the most orthodox way and meaning of love..
now a days its about much more than this! there is no communication.. continous suspision, and probably being in a relationship just for the need of a status symbol.. thts wht most of the ppl today think today! thts where the few ppl who think in the old fashioned way get left behind!
i have seen equal number of sucess and failure stories in case of both.. arrange and love marriage.. its hard to decide which one is the right one.. it varies from person to person!
at the end.. i simply wish..that we all find the person we are supoosed to be with and the right one... becoz perfection is in what you think perfection means!

the 'F' word...

the F word......
now first of all let me clarify which F word i am reffering to, i mean the word
FRIENDSHIP.
yes, thats the word... this one word can create either utter chaos.. or total joy in ones life. hard to say, at times.. the feeling is of total bliss... a feeling which makes you so happy, so content and satisfied that you cannot possibly wish for anything else in the world...
but then there are times when this very word makes you wonder about life. like every coin has two sides.. similarly so does this one word called friendship...
constantly changing..
there are times when i simply fail to understand the so called ' rules' of friendships. i just feel people make them up for their own convience.. friendship should be timeless and with no boundaries. free from all types of expectations... it should be simple .. and i just dont understand why we complicate it?
does friendship mean that if you have a huge group , u have to be close to everyone all the time? each and everyone should know what goes on in the others life? is it compulsory that if there is a group of say 15 ppl all of them should be equally transperant with each other? more than compulsion is it possible?
i dont think so.. i really feel that there are very few ppl one can really and geniuenly relate to. yes maybe you can be friendly with everyone in a big group.. but its just not possible.. to go about telling all your secrets to each and every person in the group. if that was the case we might as well have told everything to all the ppl walking down the streets.
thats where we draw a line between the friends and the best friends.,,, some say this differentiation is bad, it breaks the group, i have even been accused of breaking a group becoz of this reason.. but quite honestly.. i dont feel so..... i feel that there are just 2 or 3 people with whom we can actually be our true self.
so many times i go out with my group of friends.. and i usually dont talk much... i do.. leave a comment here and there... but the main reason is that i find it very hard to chatter all the time among a group of ppl. i can definately chatter 24*7 with a few ppl whom i am really close to, but not with everyone... and thats where i sometimes wonder if i am wrong? do i miss out on anything? honestly speaking i dont feel left out, i equally enjoy the outing, its just that i prefer to stay a bit more passive... and i dont think its wrong... but many ppl around me.. feel that i should be more vocal.. speak more, chatter more.. and really its not my cup of tea...
many a times for the sake of FRIENDSHIP i do try as hard as possible to chatter, but at the end of it.. i dont feel happy....as compared to as even if i speak for 5 mins to my dearest friend on the phone.. that joy is so much more .. i dont say ppl are wrong that they chatter so much.. maybe thats their way of expressing.
mine is more through silence and writing... one of my friend always says that as soon as i reach home.. i always find some topic to msg him.. true.. it makes me more comfortable to speak , by writing,., i really feel that i can express more by writing than speaking..
somehow i get tongue tied when i speak.. now that doesnt mean i dont speak at all... i do.. and trust me there are times when ppl wish i stop speaking.... but those are rare occasions...
i really wonder , is it a crime to be silent and paitent to make friendS?
in college i have very few friends... more than friends they are just ppl who i talk to becoz they sit around me.. i havent gone out of my way to talk to anyone. or get involved in any group.. and not many ppl have also come to speak with me.. but i am more the paitent types... i want to make sure that the friends i have are really worth keeping till the end! but sometimes i feel scared that i may end up being alone in this world if i do that.
i just hope that doesnt happen...
i have very few close friends.. and i truly love them .. and i cannot imagine what i cannot imagine what i can do without them! i just hope.. that i can be with them till the end of the road.. and that they also feel the same way about me....
and these are the ppl who make u feel that life is really beautiful!!!! cheers to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a box

there comes a time... when everything happening around us seems weird. it just doesnt seem right. all hapenning too fast and definitely not the way we want things to be. its like a big tornado in our minds... too many thoughts, confusion, frustration, irritation etc.

somewhere we all have a positive streak in us, but at such times... all the positivity seems to have taken a hike to some far away distant country. such times are scary. they just freak us out.it feels like we are enclosed in a small box, with absolutely no ventilation, screaming our lungs out, but no one is able to hear us. that's exactly what i am going through...

i want to tell someone something but i am just not able to. i have no option but to keep mum. i know whatever that is happening isnt right, i want to stop it... protect this person whom i love so much. but i just cannot.. every word i say is wrong, every action i undertake backfires.. nothing seems to go right. and it hurts to see your loved one walking towards a valley blindfolded. i keep trying in my way, but there just comes a time in life when u have to see what happens and keep praying that only the best outcome will emerge.

recently i attended a workshop on peace and stress management. i did learn quite a few things from there. it is said that every situation that we experience is becoz one of the biggest law in the world... "the law of attraction".the law of attraction means.. that all tht happens in our life is because we have attracted such situations in our life. either consciously or unconsciously. this is the biggest secret of life. now the first question that arises in our mind is that we never wish or ask for bad things to happen in our lives , but still we experience them. it is merely because... the universe doesnt understand whether u are asking fro good or bad things, it simply puts in front of you whtever comes in your mind.

for eg: we have a small argument with someone, and then you feel like the relation had changed and it has been affected. thts the first thought that comes to your mind. and as u observe,... slowly thts exactly wht happens. thats becoz we asked for it. the universe simply processes whatever inputs are given by our minds. it doesnt think whats good or bad. it simply portrays what we think and ask for. its a vicious cycle. many a times.. we get up in the morning thinking we will have a fantastic day. when you reach the work place you have a tiff with someone.. and then the first thing that comes to your mind is that the whole day is totally ruined, and nothing will go right. and that is exactly what follows. so later during the day, even if something good happens, we fail to see it because the start was bad. this leads to more depressing thoughts and actions, which in turn attracts more depression.

one recent experience i had was on a sunday, the day after my workshop, i was totally charged. i got up in the morning saying and feeling that i am going to have a perfect day. as the day proceeded i did go through some disappointments, but i kept eliminating any negative thoughts that entered my mind. result i spent a beautiful weekend with my dear friend, had loads of fun at class and felt at peace in the nite. the next day however turned out to be miserable. everything was going wrong.. i just couldnt understand what to do, what to think.. i was clueless again.. still i tried hard to keep negative thoughts from coming to my mind. the result was he very next day.... the problem got sorted out by itself. i felt relieved. i was glad and i finally understood the cycle.

however i realised in this entire process that just by thinking positively all day long, we cannot run away from our problems. every situation whether good or bad is brought about by us and we have to face it. but what i fail to understand is how to fight some situations? how to solve some problems? sometimes no amount of thinking gives a solution. there are some situations which cannot be explained to anyone... thoughts keep piling up on top of each other.. and it creates total chaos.............like a fish market. and this is where i come back to the above mentioned situation. no matter how positive i think about it.. i know what the outcome will be.. and it hurts me to see that, im helpless. i keep telling myself that i can do something about it but i still havent found the way. it is at such times i fail to understand how to handle these situations.

my best friend always says that i am strong and i will come out of it just right, but i am scared.. scared to my very core.. i still keep thinking and praying that things will get sorted out eventually.. and i sincerely pray that they do.. to many ppl this blog might be confusing, it is a bit i admit it.. but i jsut had to write.... things that are on top of my mind.. i dunno how many of you are going through similar situations( i pray noone is) i just knw that we all go through this closed phase in our lives... i simply narrated mine.

a new day!

im sure at this stage all my readers must be feeling that my life is a tragic saga. but trust me ppl, life isnt all that bad( touch wood). i also do write when i am happy..
i mean there times when you feel that nothing is going right, everything seems to be going downhill.. you are totally frustrated with life... but as they say, every silver cloud has a lining.
after every stormy night, there is a beautiful sunshine at the horizon.
the past week.. i have really been stressed out.. physically, mentally and emotionally, i felt like my life was out of control.. i just couldnt seem to get a grip... all those days were full of frustuation, sadness, lonliness, physical exertion. i had almost given up on the fact that there mite be better days ahead.. everything was wrong.
but today was a new day. it was a blast.
to start with i spent an amazing day with my mom... it has been so long since we both got time to be with each other... just go out, window shop, gossip like two friends, eat junk food, etc..
it felt so great to be connected to her... our schedules are so hectic its a wonder even if we get to eat one meal together...but today was different.. it was like two friends hanging out having fun...... i totally loved it... now many ppl might find it weird that i am happy over such an outing... but thts how i am..... i get happiness in small things,... small things which are much more meaningful than anything else in this world! and spending time wth her today i realised how much i love her.... and how nice it feels when its easy to communicate things to her.......... love you mom!
well after that, i went to the dentist. this was one thing i have been postponing for weeks actualy years and my mom finally achieved in dragging me there. and fortunately everything went well there too.. although i mite have to remove my wisdom tooth ( ps tht doesnt mean i will be any less intelligent)
after tht i spent the rest of the evening with two of my dear friends.. one of my friend had recently lost her mom.. so i was kind of worried about her.. but she was doing real good today. i know tht i cannot free her from all the pain,, but i can just be a pillar to support her.. and im glad to be there for her... coz she means a lot to me.... and i shall never care any less for her.. no matter what... and she had a good time today.. was very relaxed and happy( ps i shall at this point give some credit to my other friend who also had a helping hand).
now my other friend( i usually refrain from using names... pls dont ask me why) gave me a very nice compliment... and i really had a good time with my friend( hope you got my ans).. i really felt it was nice of my friend to come and meet her even though he didnt know her really well...
overall... everyone was happy... nothing went sour( touch wood... im a bit superstitious)
it felt so nice to be home... all happy and satisfied... that although for a little while.. me and my friend were able to make her laugh and feel better... it feels great to have made someone happy.... all in all... today is one day i shall definately cherish for a long time....
cheers to life!!!!!!!!!!

words of silence

there comes a situation in every persons life, where no words said can help in feeling better. every word spoken stings like a bed of thorns, it hurts and the wounded heart and mind bleeds more.
it is at this time that a hug, or a gesture of holding the hands of a dear one is the apt ans.. the comfort and warmth recieved by such actions is worth much more than those thousands and milllions of words spoken. we just need someone to be there. that person mite not give the right advise or words of wisdom, but just the thought that someone is there is more than comforting.

then again we all have been trained from childhood against the demonstration of emotions.
it really surprises me how ppl are able to live their lifes like stone cold rocks. everyone is hurt at some point or the other , it is just not possible that someone isnt hurt at all. then why the fear of saying how u feel? smartness isnt in hiding how u feel, it is in showing that yes you are aware of what is happening to you and you are ready to work on it.
if you are scared of something, its always easy to simply deny the fact and keep such issues under the carpet. but what is tough is to accept this fear and come out in the open. once we can do this, fear and pain slowly make way for happiness and joy. somewhere deep down we all are aware of thses things, but we just dont want to do something that is different, mainly becoz of the fear of what others might think about us. we feel tht depiction of these emotions will show our weaker side. but that is not true. speaking out what u feel is one of the biggest strength a person can have. and i feel its high time ppl realise this.
why should we suffer becoz of the narrow mindedness of other ppl??

i recently made the same mistake.
my friend lost her mother on saturday, ever since that day i have been in a complete daze, not understanding what is happening around me, who is saying what, nothing. everything around me was a blurr. it was deep sinking feeling. very hallow and empty. and i dont know why, but i didnt speak to anyone about it. mistake number 1.
i kept quiet didnt utter a word about how i was feeling, wht was goign on in my head.. more so, i wanted to speak that night, but i just couldnt find the right words, nothing.. i just wanted to hug someone tightly and cry my head off.. but i couldnt even say this to anyone.. i dont know wht came over me.. i felt like a zombie.. getting up going to class, and coming back home. i was lost. i tossed around the bed the whole night, physically i was dead tired, every single muscle of my body was painig, but my mind was racing all over the place!!
a series of thoughts and feelings danced around in my mind all night. the next day i went to meet my friend. as i entered her house.. all i could see is my house. the same scenario, hushed voices, fake sympathies, words of crappy advise. and it was then something like a lightening that hit me. i could see my friend needed me the most, her eyes said so much more to me.. they spoke of all the pain. but at the same time somewhere her trained mind wouldnt let her speak it out. i was zapped. she was just like me, doing exactly the same thing that i did that day. that scared the life out of me.
i came back home and sat in total solitude. i didnt want to speak to anyone or listen to anyone. mistake number 2.
all the emotions kept piling to my head... and i still carried on my day to day routine. by night time my entire mind was blocked.. i couldnt eat, think or sleep. i tried to write i couldnt , nothing was helping. i felt like a big block of cement had been placed on my head. i felt miserable. couldnt think of anything to do.
i finally just wrote an email to my friend and sent it to him. goodness knows if he understood it or not, but that email kind of drew out my emotions... and finally i let go of the pain that was holding me back.
today morning i just realised how important it is for me to vent out my emtions becoz if iam unable to do that, i shall in no way be able to help my friend. and i dont want her to suffer and make the smae mistakes that i have made in the past.
i just feel the need to get the message across to her somehow, that i am there for her... and she doesnt have to speak anything if she doenst want to. all i want her to know is that i still love her and no matter what i am going to be by her side always.
the root cause for 2 of my mistakes is the same fear. i always feel that not many of my friends will understand wht i am going through.. and maybe if i show them how i feel they might think im some kind of a nut.. a kind of weirdo who is always sad and never happy.. which i know is not true... it is at such times when u need words of silence... the hug!
many ppl might think that my blogs are only about the dark side of life... topics which are actually taboo, but there are times when some topics need to be taken up so that maybe after reading all this.. someone will not make the smae mistakes made by me.
i am not a sad person, i am just a girl who has seen much more than what ppl of my age usually see and experience. i dont claim that i have the hardest life but.. my experiences have taught me a lot of things about life..
so when things goes wrong and sadness fills your heart just turn around and give a hug or shed a tear.. i knw for sure u will feel better.. and much lighter by the end of it all!!
~sometimes the greatest power is the power of silence~