the inevitable change!

we all know.. that there is just one thing that is permanent in our life and that is CHANGE!

one thing we can be assured of is.. that time and again.. one thing that will keep coming over and over again in our live is change! we can do nothing to avoid it. we have to learn to accept the change each and every single time.. no exception.

time and again... most of the times.. people have always told me... that i am too sweet.. i easily believe anyone, i trust anyone... i cannot get angry at anyone...i am too emotional.. and think too much.. each of the above statement is true! i agree to it. that is the kind of person i am.

i hate fighting with people i care about.. i hate yelling,.. getting angry. even if i do..i feel more sad and upset about it myself than that person.

well hearing this a lot often now.. i began to wonder and i asked myself, ' does this mean.. that i am wrong? or weak? or is it.. that i am a loser?' the answer i get from my heart is a big and a loud NO! i am not weak.. not wrong and definitely not a loser!

i just care about the people around me a lot... i think about them...

just like some people cannot think about others or any kind of emotional stuff.. the same way. i value people.. more than the amount they value me.. and i never expect them to do anything in return for me!

i am not trying to portray or say how great i am.. or that i have saint like qualities.. no i have no saintlike qualities..and i am not great either.. its just that.. i follow a simple rule in life..

' LOVE ALL'

there are very few people.. whom i truly trust.. and deeply care about... and i cannot see them in any kind of problems or worries.. but this concern of mine is misunderstood by most of the people! it looks like.. i am after them..irritating them.. constantly nagging them! but it is so not that!!

i wish someone could understand what i am trying to say.. what i am feeling.. as all that happens in this process is... people get angry with me.. get irritated,.. and stop talking to me and the relation ends up being non existent... and i end up being hurt and alone!

to stop such things from happening..i tried... to think less for people..be more quite.. talk only when required... and i am currently still doing that..

but all that happened was.. i have ended up pushing those people far away from me.. who were actually close to me.. and now i am all the time irritated.. and irritable.. i haven't spoken or shared my mind with anyone for the past so many days..i am just quite..

outside by the looks of it.. i am all happy and smiling.. dancing.. enjoying life.. motivating people to think positively.. but inside.. i am crushed to bits.. as i cannot understand. what to do and what not to do.. i am not cribbing and saying that my life is miserable... etc.. not at all.. i have a fantastic life..

good college, great family.. a job that i love.. wonderful friends.. everything.. but the feeling of abundance is missing..

and it is because of this feeling where i am right now... a state of confusion!

there was a time.. when my friends used to find me and certain traits off mine sweet... and they used to love spending time with me.. phone calls and messages.. were made because we felt like speaking... being in touch.. somehow now sometimes it feels vacuum! empty and hollow!

i dont knw if i have pushed people or if people have pushed me.. but there is a certain amount of distance that has surely developed.. and its this empty place that i cannot understand.. but i want it to go~! i am not of the opinion that people should just sit and talk to me the whole time.. leave all their lives to be with me,,.. no its not that,,, all i want is a little support.. where even though no word is said,, i know they are with me! all of a sudden..i have realised the support system is fading.. slowly.. and this hurts..

i am not dependent on anyone... and i dont want to be a burden either.

there are certain aspects that i have changed in me which were needed.. i just hope these changes dont bring about anymore unwanted changes in the other relations.. maybe the feeling of suffocation has arised because i am keeping quite and not speaking to people.. who usually complain of my talkativeness..
but i know for sure... that even though today many people around me.. aren't saying that they are there for me..i know they are! i know for a fact... that i am loved by all. maybe today no one is saying it i know... but they will all miss me when i am gone!