the elder one!!!!

every time her name appears on my mobile screen, my heart skips a beat. i keep wondering maybe this call will bring the news of the loss of my best friends mom. its hard... for the past few days i am reliving a dark phase of my life wth my friend, through every emotion of her pain, sadness, happiness, frustration, fear, confusion... every single emotion. i feel like i am looking at myself all over again 7 years ago.... my friend is going through exactly wht i had gone through 7 years back. the wounds of which are still so fresh. everytime she tells me something about her mom, i remember tht tragic day more clearly. i feel like my dad just passed away a day back. its like a flashback not the deja vu types.. but someone showing me what i was going through years ago. i feel so sad that i am not able to stop her or protect her from all this.
she really doesn't deserve to see this.. no..its just not fair... its not... i have managed to survive with my own terms and conditions.. and now having to imagine that my dear friend is gonna have to do the same.. hurts me even more... every experience she is going through is exactly the same. as she is the older sibling.. she is also hearing the same crape tht i have heard...... one of the most pathetic things to say to a child when she is losing her parent is ,' now you are the elder one of the family you have to take care of younger sister, how can u cry, u need to support her more now... etc'
that is crape.. i mean i know ppl do not mean it in a harmful way... but this isnt the time to say such things.. does anyone think of this kid? why is it tht the portrayal of emotions depicts weakness?? is it really like that? just becoz i cried at my dads death bed.. does it mean that i am weak and incapable of supporting my mom and sis? that i should hold back my tears and wipe theirs?
no this isnt right.. i have much as right as anyone else to show wht i feeel... and i need to as i too have lost someone dear to me... i remember the day he died... everytime i started to well up and cry ppl would tell me, ' no no manu u cannot cry, if you cry how willl u support ur sis and mom? u r the ELDER ONE u cannot cry like this' BULLSHIT.... but at tht point i took them all seriously.. i never cried in front of my mom and sis... i tried to be the stronger one.. outside i was all like this ' i can handle evreything types' but inside i was shattered and wth no place to go to with my emotions..until finally one day i blew my top... that was 2 years after my dad went.. for 2 years i had to keep my emotions all bottled up. and the day all my emotions came out in the open , ppl realised that maybe the things they said were wrong at least at that crucial stage in life.
our society has very stereotype dialogues while providing condolence to anyone. i dont blame them there is nothing much u can say at that time. but what ppl forget is the the person is already wounded and hurt from inside. the least you can do is refrain from giving them typical advices.. that hurts them more.. i knw this coz i have gone through it.. at that point all one can think of is the pain in the heart... and such dialogues and condolences in no way eases the pain.. its sort of like the topping on the dessert.
many of my friends think i am very sentimental. too emotional and very sensitive. true i maybe, but thats becoz i am not afraid to show wht i feel... if i am sad.. it shows... that doesnt mean i am weak. no... portrayal of ones emotions is one of the biggest strength a person can have. more so not many ppl understand the emotions.. they kind of get scared and uncomfortable so.. they try to avoid talking about such things and crying. but life isnt all about movies, coffees, jobs, education etc. there are many more strings attached.
thats why today after 7 years i have realised its better to keep some portion of emotions to myself. not becoz i am afraid to show them , but becoz ppl around are really not receptive to such things. and i dont blame anyone. its obviously not possible for everyone to understand wht this situation brings upon a person. and i personally pray that none of the ppl in my life have to face such a situation ever. ( thanks to all those dear ppl who have tried to understand wht i feel)

seeing my best friend in the same situation today kind of hurts me inside.and the funny part is tht her mother is critical and there is a slight hope that her mom might just make it and even still her relatives are already acting as if she has passed away.. how can ppl be like this really.
i dont knw if my friend is totally aware of whts happening or maybe her relatives know tht she may not survive. maybe they are too pessimistic and she is too optimistic, all i knw that if there is a hope... iam going to hang on wth her to that one ray of hope of survival. a hope which i never had.. and pray for a miracle to happen.. coz miracles do happen.. and maybe this time god has decided to change her fate and shine his love and blessings on their family.. and save them from one of the biggest catastrophes of their lives.. i really hope that happens.
somehow with all these events, i have begun to realise the importance of life.. life is too precious to fight with someone, to hate someone, to be selfish, to be selfless, and one of the most important lessons learnt, that no matter how much we think we control our life we really never do. its never in hands.. and maybe in a way.. its a good thing. today i value all the wonderful ppl in my life.. i may not say it to them.... but ilove them all a lot............
love you dad! miss you !
( ps mr.sandeep dighe, the thanks mentioned in the above blog cannot be counted in our deal)